HEY, FRIENDS!

THE DEVIL'S FOOD DICTIONARY IS NOW A BOOK!
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5 November 2007

concassé (French) A term describing a tomato that has had something drastic done to it, but it is impossible to tell just what.
(Note: And it is considered extremely rude to ask.)
game bird Any fowl whose nutritional value has been enhanced through the implantation of tiny, mineral-rich pellets in its flesh.
pancetta  Italian air-cured belly pork, usually browned in small amounts to provide fat and flavor. A similar product is the
lesser-known guanciale; in fact, "guanciale" is "pancetta" pronounced with a mouth full of gnocchi.


8 November 2007

deep-fried turkey A common form of insurance fraud disguising itself as holiday dining. Perpetrators of the deep-fried turkey scam typically erect a
homemade deep fryer, capacious enough to accommodate a large turkey, within six feet of their home. When extraction of the cooked bird inevitably results
in the tipping-over of the apparatus, the furiously boiling oil spills onto the heat source and catches fire. The flames spread rapidly and consume the
  entire structure in minutes. The average American's well-known fondness for Thanksgiving turkey makes arsonous intent nearly impossible to prove.
macaroni A small, tubular pasta whose bent shape earned it the additional name "elbow macaroni." Curiously, the word's final syllable
is pronounced "knee."
shellfish A range of aquatic creatures that are divided into two categories, crustaceans and mollusks. Tip for the Home Cook:
To determine a given animal's classification, try to picture where it might wear epaulettes, if it suddenly got the urge to do so. If such an image
does not readily come to mind, the creature is probably a mollusk.


12 November 2007

sift To pass flour or some other dry ingredient through a screen in order to ensure consistency and lightness in baked goods.
Sifting was an indispensable part of baking before being outlawed in 1994, when the Supreme Court ruled that it discriminated against clumps.
snake A serviceable source of pleasant-tasting meat, were it not for the relatively small amount to be found on each specimen, and certain
species' testy reluctance to part with it. In both flavor and texture, snake meat ranks about halfway between chicken and fish. Experts
agree that this makes no logical sense.
"thousand-year-old egg" (also called "hundred-year-old egg" and "leather egg")
A cured egg that, despite its appearance, does not contain the embryo of a pterodactyl. The "white" of this Chinese delicacy resembles
smoked glass, while the dark-green yolk develops a creamy texture and a taste reminiscent of blue cheese.
Helpful Hint: For a scrumptious sandwich filling, combine one of these with two tablespoons of thousand-year-old mayonnaise.


15 November 2007

Pre-Columbian Era, The The name given to the period lasting roughly from the day the universe was created to
the day that Italian explorer Christopher Columbus missed his intended destination by only one hemisphere. The precise length of this period
is subject to dispute; depending on whom you ask, it was either around 6,000 years or a somewhat more generous 20 billion years. Either way, the
transition that followed is of great gastronomical significance: With the Americas being the original home of nearly all tasty food plants,
among them tomatoes, potatoes, corn, pumpkin, and chiles, the end of the pre-Columbian era marked the beginning of the rest of the world's
introduction to these exciting new flavors. There is little question that before Columbus's voyage, the foods of all other continents were not particularly
interesting. The Etruscans' bacon-lettuce-and-terracotta sandwich is a good example.
turkey A large bird popularly used for food, particularly on holidays. Historical studies suggest that, like other fowl, the turkey almost
certainly had some kind of recognizable flavor before modern breeders got their hands on it. Benjamin Franklin so admired the wild
turkey that he proposed it be designated America's national bird. That it ultimately was rejected has to be the best thing that ever
happened to the bald eagle, which would have looked ridiculous with that red-and-white plastic doneness indicator sticking out of it.
breast A set of heavy forward muscles that evolved to prevent domestic chickens and turkeys from falling over and bruising those body parts
that are actually edible, namely, the dark meat. No other use for this portion of the bird has ever been discovered.
stuffing A mass of mostly starchy substances packed into the inner cavity of a turkey, whose function is to leach out moisture and flavor from the breast,
as well as ensure that inner portions of the bird do not cook completely. As grocery store turkeys grew less and less flavorful in the last decades
of the 20th century, manufacturers began marketing ready-made, preseasoned stuffings. This unlikely combination--a loose clump of stodge with its
flavor chemically sealed in, crammed into a bird that had no measurable taste to begin with--proved, predictably enough, to be a winner
in the American supermarket.
  potatoes, mashed A classic, comforting purée that combines boiled potatoes with milk or cream and butter. When asked to name the one food
they would take with them to a desert island, most American  respondents said it did not matter, as long as the island itself was made of mashed potatoes.
yam A name frequently applied to the sweet potato, but in error: A yam is an edible tuber, often orange, whereas a sweet potato is an edible
tuber, often orange. To distinguish between the two, look for the factory-imprinted "Y" at the yam's root end, right next to the bar code.
eye contact A quaint but sometimes stressful ritual that was a routine feature of Thanksgiving dinners before the invention of televised football.
pie weights A colloquial name for fatty deposits on the thighs, as a result of eating too many rich desserts. Strangely, such deposits are often
said to resemble cottage cheese, although most cottage cheese is low in fat.


26 November 2007

buffet An array of food laid out on tables and/or heated or refrigerated stations, from which diners are expected to serve themselves.
Unlike a smorgasbord, the modern buffet features all the courses of a meal at the same time, from egg rolls through prime rib all the
way to Rice Krispy Treats. A typical location for buffets is on cruise ships, where they do double duty as an entertainment source and a centralized
dissemination point for gastrointestinal viruses. Onshore buffets are frequently located next to highway scales otherwise used for weighing
freight-hauling trucks. In these establishments, customers step onto the scales before and after eating, then pay according to the amount of
weight gained in the course of the meal (measured in five-pound increments).
caffè latte Espresso coffee with a generous portion of hot milk. Americans not only shorten the name of this beverage to "latte," but they
also have the nerve to drink it in the afternoon. These indiscretions infuriate the Italians, to the point that in 2005 their government filed a formal complaint
with the American ambassador in Rome. So we invaded.
empty calories A nutritional system created by scientists to ease the workload of agricultural laborers. Unlike those derived from actual food, empty
calories are generated through chemical or industrial means, affording family farmers, migrant produce pickers, and canning grandmothers a chance
to find jobs in retail.


29 November 2007

grill marks Scorch marks, usually parallel, that appear on meat after contact with hot metal. Like so many other culinary matters,
these are greatly affected by the equator: In southern latitudes, grill marks are found on the bottom of the meat, while northerners
know to look for them on the top. Either way, the home griller is advised to keep a thoroughly preheated screwdriver on hand, for use in
adorning the unmarked side.
gumbo From a West African word for okra, a rich stew thickened with that gelatinous vegetable and filé powder. Gumbo is a
staple of the cuisine of the Creoles of New Orleans. Known to be a deeply superstitious people, they typically serve it from a human
skull, with a monkey-paw ladle.
gyro A Greek specialty in the form of a large loaf of spiced ground meat on a vertical skewer, which rotates in front of a
heat source. The meat's outer layer is sliced off as it cooks, to be incorporated into sandwiches. Restaurants with gyros on their menu usually
reserve them for the busiest hours of the day, since sanitary regulations require that the slicing, once begun, must continue in an
unbroken strip until the entire 20-pound loaf is gone.


3 December 2007

knife, boning "What every skewer would be, if there were any justice in this sad, sad world." Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
knife, bread A long, narrow knife with a serrated edge, that is, an edge lined with serrations. While serrations are often called teeth, a
bread knife does not actually chew bread but merely slices it. Nonetheless, regular flossing is considered essential for maintaining sharpness.
knife, butter A BONING KNIFE, BREAD KNIFE, CHEF'S KNIFE, or PARING KNIFE with butter on it.
knife, chef's A type of knife usually found in close proximity to the chef's other knives.
knife, paring A small knife that is specially designed to remove the outer layer from fruits, vegetables, and other foods. In expert hands, a well-
sharpened paring knife can rapidly strip a raw egg of its shell, leaving the white and yolk intact. The Author has seen this done.


6 December 2007

delicious A word applied to foods at the pleasurable end of the flavor spectrum. Strictly speaking, delicious describes a
reaction to those foods rather than any inherent characteristics. Such reactions are subjective and highly variable; in fact,
anthropologists say that a food from one culture cannot be considered truly delicious until a person from a different culture has
declared it disgusting and, ideally, died in agony after eating it.
Dutch oven A cooking vessel that was invented after it was discovered that the average Dutchman was too large for an omelet pan.
ratatouille A warm-weather vegetable dish that was recently, and somewhat belatedly, reclassified as a dessert. This occurred when
researchers in its native Provence realized that of ratatouille's half-dozen "vegetables," four of them--eggplant, tomato, bell pepper, and zucchini
--are actually fruits. What's more, the combination is stewed in an oil extracted from yet another fruit, the olive. Clearly, all that is missing is
the whipped cream and the chocolate shavings.


10 December 2007

bento A flat box, often made of lacquered wood, that is divided into several compartments, each containing some type of delectable and
attractively presented Japanese person.
deconstruct A term popular among food writers, particularly restaurant critics, which describes the act of transforming a familiar dish into an
unfamiliar one, though not necessarily in any major way (the change usually affects only flavor, texture, appearance, aroma, temperature,
historical and social context, method of preparation, and price). Deconstructing a dish is often confused with creating a "riff" on it
(another critic's term), but the two are not the same: The original model behind a riff can be ascertained with a single look or taste, whereas
identifying an item that has been deconstructed is impossible without the aid of a generously tipped waiter. And even then, it's his word
against yours.
pot roast A cut of inexpensive beef that has been transformed by lengthy cooking into a smaller cut of inexpensive beef.
(Note: Vegetables can be added partway through the cooking process, but home cooks should bear in mind that these are
likely to retain their original size.) The classic pot roast provides ample proof that a tasty meal can be produced even by a cook who
has entirely run out of ideas.


13 December 2007

lasagna A substantial multilayered pasta casserole that can be prepared in two different ways. Those two ways can in turn be prepared
in two other different ways, making four, each of which can also be prepared in two different ways. Of the resulting eight,
six can be prepared in two different ways, while the seventh and eighth can be prepared in three and four different ways,
respectively. For an all-expenses-paid vacation in sunny Kauai, "The Island of Discovery," name the total number of ways
of preparing lasagna, and the total amount or mozzarella required.
roasting A manlier version of baking.
Miraculous Bun of Bratislava, The A light-rye bread roll baked in 1978 that bore a scorch mark said to resemble Jesus Christ.
Word of the image spread quickly through socialist Czechoslovakia's clandestine Christian underground, and from there to all the other
countries of the Eastern Bloc. The authorities quickly outlawed pilgrimages to the bakery that had produced the bun, but by then the surge
of religious fervor was already proving difficult to contain. With the city of Bratislava on the verge of chaos, Communist Party officials
seized the bun and subjected it to a series of scientific tests, expecting to demonstrate that the likeness was the product of a subversive
hoax. To their dismay, the tests revealed no trickery of any kind and even seemed to support the possibility of supernatural origins.
Tensions mounted further, triggering vague but ominous rumblings from Moscow, until a quick-thinking Party functionary defused
the situation by declaring that the face on the "miraculous" bun belonged in fact not to Christ but to Latin American revolutionary
Ernesto "Che" Guevara (1928-1967).


17 December 2007

ice The sole occupant of the category the Food and Drug Administration calls "Water al Dente." Ice is less celebrated for its own
flavor and character than for the qualities it lends to food and beverages. Ice and homemade mayonnaise, for example, make
an excellent pairing, especially after three or four hours out of the refrigerator on a hot summer day. Chefs differ in their preferences
as to the degree of doneness for ice, but there is general agreement that a tendency to spread out rapidly in a thin, transparent
layer across a Formica countertop is a reliable indicator that your ice is too rare. By contrast, a properly prepared piece
of ice, experts tell us, should hurt a little when you sit on it, at least at first.
ingredients Although miscategorized as "the very building blocks of our universe" by an obviously senile Albert Einstein in 1954, ingredients are
nonetheless nearly indispensable to cooking. It is no exaggeration to say that ingredients can make or break a recipe, and experts
caution that the home cook who attempts to prepare a dish without using ingredients does so at his or her peril. Spanning a
wide range of styles and prices, ingredients are now widely available nearly everywhere, even along the Indiana-Ohio frontier.
Lardo A word voted "Chef's Least Favorite Nickname" for five successive years in a nationwide restaurant-industry poll.


20 December 2007

fruitcake A widely unpopular by-product of PLUM PUDDING. The leaching of formaldehyde from the abundant candied fruit into the
surrounding light or dark batter gets the credit for this cake's impressive powers of preservation. In fact, a gift-wrapped fruitcake
can be--and often is--kept for years before finally being thrown away.
plum pudding A dense steamed or boiled confection containing dried fruit, nuts, etc. Plum pudding is usually served warm, and dinner guests
tend to hurry to finish it in that state, for the simple reason that once cooled it becomes a FRUITCAKE.
syllabub An archaic concoction of milk, sugar, spices, and wine or ale that makes frequent appearances in the works of Charles Dickens. Not a single
batch of this supposedly festive holiday beverage has been made in the last 100 years, and no living human being has ever tasted it. Indeed, as
with so many products of the Victorian culinary imagination, one wonders who would even want to.
An even deeper question arises concerning syllabub, however: Is it possible that it never existed at all, but sprang wholly from Dickens's
rich imagination? More than one scholar has expressed that opinion. Authentic or not, the most convincing explanation for syllabub's
continuing inclusion in food dictionaries is that words with beginning with certain unusual letter combinations, such as sy-, are so scarce
that dictionary compilers cannot afford to pass them up.


27 December 2007

cookie (British: biscuit) A baked item of venerable historical pedigree, judging by artifacts unearthed at archaeological sites in Afghanistan
that are almost certainly ancient cookies and not horse droppings compressed under settling strata of earth over the course
of centuries. Chemical analysis shows these ancient cookies to be high in oats, hay, bits of carrot, and the occasional sugar
cube. A typical method of decorating a cookie in that era, experts tell us, was to run over it with something resembling a
chariot wheel, or alternatively to impress it with a horseshoe-shaped cookie-decorating implement.
Today's cookies both resemble and differ from their forebears in important ways. For example, oats remain a common
ingredient, as does sugar and the odd carrot. The hay content, however is down dramatically.
candy (British: sweets) Any of a huge assortment of edible sweet substances that exist exclusively to give pleasure or provide distraction
from difficult personal relationships. Of the myriad textures and consistencies found in candy, only one has no parallel
in the world of non-sweet foods, and researchers hold out hope even for jawbreakers someday. The lack of any nutritive quality
whatsoever places candy outside the realm of food as such, but that is not to downplay its value: Long experience shows
candy to be an effective and economical short-term substitute for sex, happiness, job security, and literary success.
Sacher torte This cake has a fascinating history.


3 January 2008

restaurant critic A person who believes that excellent company and a generous expense account are no excuse for enjoying dinner.
roe The clustered eggs of fish and sometimes shellfish. Roe is an increasingly popular gourmet food item, but scientists predict that
in the future, thanks to depleted fish stocks, a normal helping will consist of exactly one egg. On the bright side, the need to separate
out those eggs is expected to create jobs for millions.
room temperature A measure of ambient heat equivalent to that at which bread dough will rise at a moderate rate. This standard is a legacy
of the era of cheap and abundant fossil fuels, since maintaining room temperature in an actual room can require large amounts
of energy and a sophisticated climate-control system. Such technologies are scarce in developing nations, and many
a foreign baker has cited his/her country's lack of room-temperature rooms when applying for political asylum in America.


7 January 2008

[See 8 January 2007]


10 January 2008

crouton The only kind of toast that never has jam on it. Not even Nutella. Well, maybe Nutella.
Nutritionists The name applied to a fundamentalist sect that originated in Switzerland in the 1920s. The group's founder, Jean-Hänsel
Sternli, grew up the son of a restaurateur. Relations between him and his father were somewhat rocky, as the oddly puritanical
child resisted his father's attempts to draft him into the family business. "I was willing to concede that food was necessary to
human survival," Sternli would later write, "but all that sensual pleasure and contentment..." Sternli eventually consolidated his beliefs in
a doctrine he called Nutritionism, whose tenets included what is now known as "Sternli's Law": "Nothing that is good for
you can ever be as good for you as the things that are bad for you are bad for you." He went on to become an eloquent
proselytizer for this new creed, delivering hell-raising sermons such as "Show Me the Stool and I'll Show You the Man" and
"Only a Cupcake?." In one of the many cruel ironies of his life, a speech he gave in 1962 on the combined evils of hazelnuts,
chocolate, and hydrogenated vegetable oil is said to have inspired the invention of Nutella.
rillettes Meat, typically pork or duck, that has been slowly cooked in fat and then mauled into a fibrous mass. Though rich and
delicious, rillettes are the ugliest food that any high-level French chef is ever asked to make. In fact, anecdotal evidence suggests
that, each year, fifteen to twenty percent of culinary students switch their majors from French cuisine to Thai after their first look at rillettes.


14 January 2008

tamale A Mexican dumpling of cornmeal paste enclosing a filling, usually stewed meat. The dumpling is wrapped in a
tidy jacket of corn husks, a feature that may account for the sense of kinship that many people feel with this humble
food: We identify with the tamale, psychologists say, because, like the tamale, many of us also are lumpy and
unattractive beneath our clothing.
tapas Spanish for "more than one tapa." The actual number may vary.
taramasalata A Greek paste of carp roe, lemon juice, and other ingredients, eaten as a spread on bread or crackers. In recent
years, controversy has arisen over the ethics of the roe-harvesting process, by which fishermen forcibly remove the eggs
after lulling the carp into a drowsy state with an all-you-can-eat buffet.


17 January 2008

sear To seal in flavorful meat juices by briefly exposing the meat to high heat. The juices can be prevented from
escaping later by following up with a layer of duct tape.
seasonings The name applied to a ragtag assortment of herbs, spices, oils, syrups, essences, vinegars, and condiments, in order to dupe
them into thinking they are in the same league with salt, garlic, soy sauce, and chiles.
semolina A grainy yellow flour used for centuries, particularly in Italy, to make pasta, bread, and pudding. Its use was banned in the
United States after a 1993 study linked it almost conclusively to the medical condition known as SEMOLINA EYEBALL.
semolina eyeball A mild ocular irritation common among Italian bakers and pasta makers, which scientists suspect is caused by contact with
airborne grains of semolina flour. Symptoms include weepiness during Luciano Pavarotti's rendition of "Torna a Surriento."


21 January 2008

pepper mill A term used frequently but mistakenly to refer to a pepper grinder. The handheld grinder
crushes peppercorns for individual servings, whereas a pepper mill is an entire factory dedicated to that purpose. New England's early settlers
were quick to spot the potential of the region's rivers for powering massive pepper-grinding stones, and the mills they built would become the
hubs of many towns. The plan's only flaw was that the puritanical Anglo-Saxon townspeople would not dare to add this heady seasoning to their
food for another three centuries. Well into the 1800s, pepper was still being condemned from the pulpit as a Satanic stimulant, and more than
one witch trial began with charges of "wanton piquancy." The delay in creating a market for the product led to the collapse of nearly all the pepper-
grinding operations, and most of the mills were converted to manufacturing scratchy woolen undergarments.
perishable Having a short shelf life. Food perishability, always a matter of concern, rose to the level of a national security issue in the
1950s and '60s, as Americans sought long-lasting provisions for their backyard nuclear bomb shelters. Some extremely durable foods were produced
as a result. Unfortunately, the chemicals in those foods, combined with the bombs themselves, greatly enhanced the perishability of human beings.
pickle 1) To purge a vegetable of its flavor for the sake of preserving its texture; 2) a vegetable thus purged. In pickling, fresh produce is
immersed for a variable period of time in a seasoned brine or vinegar; the resulting snack or condiment has all the crispness and color of the
original, and all the flavor of seasoned brine or vinegar.


24 January 2008

cheese, types of
Nowhere is human ingenuity on such conspicuous display as in the fantastic range of cheese products. What renders this
cornucopia all the more impressive is the fact that the number of ingredients is exceedingly small, namely, milk plus either rennet
or some kind of bacteria, and maybe a dab of windshield washer fluid. Following is a brief survey of the most common cheese classifications:

1. Fresh Cheeses: Cheeses whose flavor has been carefully extracted and replaced with freshness.
2. Hard, Soft, Semi-Hard, and Extra-Soft Cheeses: A wide-ranging category that includes Parmesan and nut- covered cheeseballs.
3. Washed Rind Cheeses: Includes Reblochon, Epoisses, Taleggio, and Munster. Listed alphabetically, these are Epoisses, Munster,
Reblochon, and Taleggio.
4. Unwashed Rind Cheeses: Similar to washed rind cheeses, except for a coating of smudges and fingerprints that could easily be
removed with a little washing.
5. Blue Cheeses: Identifiable by their delicate latticework of bacterial putrefaction, in the form of blue to blue-green veins.
This family includes Stilton, Britain's so-called King of Cheeses; Roquefort, France's so-called Roi of Cheeses; and gorgonzola,
Italy's Gorgon of Cheeses (so-called).
6. Goat and Sheep Cheeses: Cheeses made of sheep and goats.
7. Nachoveetawizjack: In a class by itself, this is America's distinctive contribution to the world of cheese, and the only
one to earn the title "The Cadillac of Factory Pre-Melted Cheese Foods." The origins of its Eastern European-sounding name are obscure.


28 January 2008

salami A category of dense, air-cured sausage long associated with Italy but also made in central and eastern Europe. In addition
to their flavor, types of salami are differentiated by the size of the chunks of meat they contain. These can be as tiny as matchheads, but one
Hungarian version contains pieces of meat so large that the sausage's casing must go on the inside. A salami's overall size can also
vary greatly: The most massive ones require two burly butchers to carry them, while the smallest are tidy enough to be easily hidden
somewhere inside a human being.
Despite its delicious flavor and economical use of available materials, salami has known dark periods in its history. During the Second
World War, for example, Italian Fascist police discovered that prisoners beaten with a properly cured Tuscan salami showed no bruises, despite
suffering severe pain. Their counterparts in Vichy France tried the same technique, but the local boudin blanc proved too flabby to extract any
useful intelligence.
venison The flesh of a deer, found in the Food and Drug Administration's category "Foods from Animals Whose Plurals Are Not Formed by
Adding S." Though venison is flavorful, like many game meats it tends toward leanness. This can be remedied by wrapping it in a layer of fat
before cooking. Ordinary bacon is quite suitable, but for best results try panda fat, or, if you are an American, simply hollowing out a relative.


31 January 2008

raw milk A white liquid produced exclusively by uncooked cows.
Satan The source of the mysterious cooking energy used by microwave ovens.
Sichuan peppercorns A uniquely scented Chinese berry with a numbing effect on the tongue (and other cuts of meat as well). Food experts
are frequently heard lamenting the sudden decline in the quality of this spice following the change of spelling from Szechuan. That pales, however,
next to what happened in the transition from Peking to Beijing Duck.


4 February 2008

glaze To make a food shiny by covering it with some sort of liquid. The ideal glaze can be applied in fewer than five coats and needs minimal buffing.
hanging A procedure applied to wild game, by which the animal is hung for some time in a cool place such as a barn or shed, in order to
tenderize its flesh and maximize flavor. This also makes it easier to shoot.
hangover An untidy flap or fringe of dough that extends past the edge of a pie plate. Studies indicate that the pastry chefs most often
affected by hangovers are those who have been drinking heavily.


7 February 2008

Numb Buds® Flavor Stripping Condiment A pharmaceutically derived product introduced in 2006 that is revolutionizing the way food
is seasoned. Inspired by the simple notion that in a democratic society, no one should have to put up with flavors they object to, Numb Buds®
enables any eater to pinpoint undesirable tastes and essentially remove them from their food by anesthetizing the corresponding receptors on the
tongue. No longer, say this innovative substance's promoters, need a large dinner party be held hostage to the preferences of a single finicky
eater: Just a few drops of Numb Buds®, and Mr. or Ms. Fussy can eat exactly what he or she is served, like a civilized adult. Numb Buds®
comes in a convenient shaker bottle and is available in a rapidly expanding range of Target Tastes®, including Cilantro, Anchovy,
 Carrot Halvah, Spicy Hot, State Fair, and Eco-Potluck. (To place an order, visit www.NumbBuddy.com)
tourtière A traditional meat pie from the Canadian province of Québec. Perennial controversy surrounds the question of what constitute
the "correct" ingredients of this meat pie, and even after decades, consensus exists on only two of them: meat and pie. Note: Unless
it's salmon.


11 February 2008

chopsticks  A pair of sticks, usually tapered, that serve as eating utensils for people in East and Southeast Asia. Chopsticks
are most often made of wood or plastic; Koreans use steel chopsticks, but perhaps that is just the way Koreans are. Authentic
chopsticks are always hollow, like a straw, to aid in drinking soup. One of the most efficient means of learning chopstick use is by trying
to pick up jellybeans. But after diligent practice, many Westerners are disappointed on arrival in China or Japan, to learn that
jellybeans are nearly nonexistent in those countries.
chopsticks, rubbing together of Formerly aimed at removing splinters and jagged edges, chopstick rubbing now helps discharge static
electricity that accumulates on a restaurant customer's walk from the entrance to his table. The proliferation of fully carpeted, upscale
eateries in China has made sudden static discharges dangerously common, injuring thousands of nouveau riche Chinese each year.
dipsticks A type of chopsticks designed for use with particularly oily foods.


14 February 2008

meat fork A utensil sporting two sharp prongs at the end of a long handle, leading the devilishly clever Irish writer Oscar Wilde
(1854-1900) to call it "little more than a ladle in trousers."
ricer According to the devilishly clever but decadent Irish writer Oscar Wilde (1854-1900), "a ladle auditioning for the role of garlic press."
skewer The thinnest, pointiest member of the ladle family and, in the view of the decadent but insightful Irish writer Oscar
Wilde (1854-1900), "a tongue depressor that wishes it were a boning knife."
spatula A utensil derided by the insightful but cynical Irish writer Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) as "merely a ladle on a hunger strike."


18 February 2008

"o" An indispensable component of both broth and stock.
seasonal food A type of fare that enjoyed widespread popularity before the invention of the refrigerator, the freezer, and various canning
methods. Thanks to those technologies, seasonal food can now be enjoyed all year round. Similar advances in shipping have made locally
grown food available to everyone, regardless of how far they live from where the food was locally grown.
vinaigrette An emulsified combination of vinegar, oil, and various seasonings--usually including Dijon mustard--that is used to dress vegetables,
particularly salads. Though it is easy to make, vinaigrette can be tricky to use. This is because it becomes virtually transparent once it is distributed
over salad greens, forcing the home cook to resort to guesswork as to whether a sufficient quantity has been applied. Tasting a leaf or two would
provide ready clarification of the situation, were it not for the well-known health hazards of eating raw vegetables. The simplest solution is to make
minor adjustments in the proportions of the ingredients, to help render the mixture more visible. For example, in a dressing that calls for
1 teaspoon of mustard and 1/3 cup of oil, start by reversing those amounts, then increase the amount of mustard as necessary.


21 February 2008

Worcestershire sauce Hoping to stem the tide of expatriate Englishmen "going native," British officials in 19th-century India conceived of
combining the seasonings that posed the greatest threat to the English way of life in a sort of tincture whose portions could be carefully
monitored by the government. The result was Worcestershire sauce, which contains such ingredients as garlic, soy sauce, tamarind,
and anchovies. This sauce--which in a classic example of British syllable-dropping is pronounced "wuh sauce"--is sold in a
bottle that dispenses it in discrete drops. The Victorians regarded five per day as a maximum safe dosage for a full-grown adult.
Yorkshire pudding A kind of popover that is served alongside roast beef and usually incorporates the beef's drippings. The Victorian-era naming
of this dish was tainted by controversy: Though Yorkshire now takes the credit, its name was attached only after neighboring Durham, the actual
birthplace of the "pudding," failed to raise the steep sponsorship fee. Decades of bitter recrimination followed, and hundreds of thousands died.
Note: Mostly of natural causes.


25 February 2008

bland A term describing any food eaten up to two hours after a helping of kimchi.
soup Any food other than noodles that is most satisfying when eaten with a slurping sound. Apart from that basic guideline, nearly anything
goes. A soup can be hot, cold, or lukewarm; it can be watery, velvety, or stodgy. It can contain solid materials that either float or sink--what
food professionals refer to as "chunks"--or be small-"chunk"-free, large-"chunk"-free, or altogether "chunk"-free. Soup need not even
be 100% food: Some soups contain completely inedible items such as clamshells that must be discarded, or fibrous, indigestible things such
as lemongrass that many white people try to chew anyway.
What, then, is soup, really? The debate has raged for centuries and shows no sign of winding down soon. Cultural differences
play a large part: A savory "soup" in certain parts of New Guinea, for example, might strike a resident of, say, Latvia, as little more than
"scummy boiling water with somebody's severed head floating around in it." One of gastronomy's most famous arguments began when the
celebrated physicist Albert Einstein theorized, after years of consideration, that soup did not actually exist, at least not in the space-time
continuum as it was generally understood. Food maven James Beard strenuously disagreed. Unfortunately, the ensuing, often
heated correspondence between these two giants in their respective fields was lost in 1964 in a crȇpes suzette fire.


28 February 2008

toothpick A small, nail-shaped object usually made of wood, with one or both ends sharpened to a point. Toothpicks have a wide variety of uses, and
no kitchen should be without a generous supply. Some of the more common culinary applications are: 1. Demarcating the equator. 2. Inserting into quick
breads to indicate the location of raisins or walnuts. 3. Fastening a paper "happy face" over the mouth of a ramekin of rillettes. 4. Securing an omelette
to any vertical surface, such as hashbrowns. 5. Deflating foam. 6. Attaching pimiento-stuffed olives to a kielbasa, to make it look as if it has googly eyes.
7. Treating molecular gastronomy.
toxin A flavorless, odorless trace element present in many modern foods and the people who eat them. Most Americans' diets put them within easy
reach of their minimum daily requirement of toxins; vegans, however, may have to resort to other sources, such as the fragrance inserts in fashion magazines.


3 March 2008

freshness A sought-after quality that is automatically imparted to meat, produce, potato chips, and other foods by television.
grits A sometimes debilitating affliction common to people who refuse to admit that their side lost the Civil War.
marinade A combination of liquids (usually including some kind of acid, and sometimes alcohol) and seasonings in which meat is soaked, in
order to flavor and/or tenderize it. Marinating can last anywhere from a half-hour, as in some Chinese dishes, to decades, as was the case
with the Welsh poet Dylan Thomas. In parts of Indonesia, cows whose meat is intended for satay often float in a tank of tamarind, soy
sauce, ginger, chilies, and spices for the last two months of their lives. I'm sitting in one right now myself.


6 March 2008

apple A crisp, sturdy fruit common to the northern latitudes. The apple is thought to be the "forbidden fruit" that
got Adam and Eve ejected from Eden and precipitated humankind's fall from grace. At first deeply dismayed by their banishment,
the couple decided it had all been worth it once they discovered that, in contrast with the ho-hum apples and pears inside the
Garden, some of the trees outside bore mangosteens.
daikon An Asian form of white-skinned radish that is substantially larger and sweeter than Western radishes. Although it is an
important element of Chinese cuisine, often appearing in soup, in Japan it enjoys the status of a national icon. Schoolgirls
by the millions were caught up in the "RadishGo-GoHappyFriend" craze of the mid-1990s, dragging Corgi-sized Day-Glo plastic daikons
behind them on rhinestone-studded leashes. And the lunatic annals of Japanese TV game shows boast few contestants stranger than Nobu
"Oroshi-chan" Awasaki, a 19-year-old who, before a live national audience in 1978, painted his left thumb to resemble a tiny daikon,
then grated it down to a nub into a bowl of dipping sauce. Amazingly, he lost the $450 first prize to another Tokyo teenager, who performed stunts on
a unicycle he had constructed entirely out of live shrimp.
pear Perhaps the only fruit famous for being shaped like itself.


10 March 2008

chow mein Along with "egg foo young," part of a diversionary tactic employed by Chinese immigrants to maintain a veil of secrecy around their
authentic cuisine. This decades-old curtain of confidentiality began to fray in the 1980s and 1990s, as American tourists began to get their first glimpses
into kitchens that were actually in China. To their surprise, the large jar of GLOP they expected to see in each pantry was nowhere to be found.
fried rice pork/chicken/shrimp/vegetarian $6.95 A cornerstone of the style of cooking known as "Chinese-American," and one of the few of its
dishes that do not feature GLOP. Innumerable versions of fried rice appear in authentic Chinese cuisine, ranging from simple and satisfying to rich and
elaborate. This is not one of them.
  glop A versatile substance with a pivotal role in "Chinese-American cuisine," where it functions as a binding, flavoring, and lubricating agent all
in one. Not a juice, not a sauce, not a gravy, not a starch, and not quite an emulsion, it becomes an element of presentation with the addition of red
food coloring.


13 March 2008

Guinness stout A smooth-tasting, very dark beer long associated with the Irish. Guinness never quite caught on in the United States, in part
because its silky texture lacks the palate-cleansing capability that is useful when eating nachos, but also because its dramatic
blackening effect on the urine can be alarming to the uninitiated. Indeed, Ireland's famous murky peat bogs are not a natural phenomenon
but the result of generations of Guinness drinkers ducking behind the barn to relieve themselves.
tarragon A slender-leaved herb beloved by French cooks. The Irish author Samuel Beckett gave the name Estragon, the French
word for this perennial, to a character in his revolutionary play Waiting for Godot. When asked why, he gave an explanation so cryptic
that he may well have been answering a completely different question by mistake.
PLUS: Irish stew (see Archive I, 23 March 2007)


17 March 2008

brown The unofficial Color Laureate of the culinary world. Statistically speaking, no other hue has contributed so many foods to the "Delicious,"
"Deeply Satisfying," "Stick to Your Ribs," and "What's Not to Like?" categories. It is very telling that many foods that start out as some other color,
such as green or puce, turn brown with lengthy cooking. The reverse is seldom true.
butterfly To slit a cut of meat or a whole animal carcass down the middle, so it can be splayed for ease of cooking. Although it is an excellent
addition to the home cook's repertoire of skills, butterflying is not how most shrimps, chickens, or lamb legs would spend their weekend, given a choice.
callaloo Popular lore identifies this as a green vegetable from the Caribbean, but it is in fact imaginary, dreamed up in 1961 by
the author "Dr. Seuss" (Theodore Geisel, 1904-1991) for his children's book What to Do? Callaloo! and its 1964 sequel, Callaloodle-do!.


20 March 2008

challah An airy, eggy, golden-colored bread in the form of a tight braid. While challah is usually thought of as a Jewish food, the
recipe is simple enough that even a Gentile can make it.
potluck A meal to which the guests contribute much if not all of the food. An experienced potluck host is careful to coordinate invitees'
contributions in advance, in order to avoid 1) duplication of dishes, and 2) the possibility that the dinner will feature no sources of
protein other than kidney beans and perhaps cashews. The most popular potluck offering is the casserole, the reason being that if you
put it in a plain enough dish, no one will be able to identify who brought it.
pretzel A small baked bread in the form of a  knot, commonly studded with salt crystals. Pretzels can be moist and chewy or crisp
and dry, but they are seldom both moist and dry. The work of circus contortionists is often described as "pretzel-like," but in fact the
most advanced performers prefer to pattern themselves on a loaf of CHALLAH.


24 March 2008

sommelier The French name for a skilled professional who, after years of study and training, is qualified to operate and maintain
the money-printing machine found in the cellar of an upscale restaurant.
speck A spot of ham.
substitute A flavorless, industrially produced, and/or otherwise embarrassing edible synthetic substance that is used to
replace a satisfying natural food or ingredient, for reasons usually having to do with multinational corporations.
sweat To coax the flavorful juices out of aromatic vegetables by subjecting them to gentle heat. Failing that, a bribe may
work. Spanking should be viewed strictly as a last resort.


27 March 2008

breaking The failure of an emulsion such as mayonnaise or hollandaise sauce to achieve the proper consistency, or the loss of that
consistency once it has been achieved. Usage of this term dates to a period when sauces were in fact not liquid but solid,
probably of a consistency akin to that of today's saltwater taffy. At that time, the quality of a sauce was determined by how
high it towered over the dinner table. This of course left it susceptible to hazardous "breaking." A legendary banquet at the
court of France's Louis VI ("The Fat") featured a hollandaise sauce in the life-sized form of a woman from Holland; it
broke in midmeal, and its upper half fell on a courtier, killing him instantly.
"mother sauces" The four fundamental sauces of French cuisine, namely, espagnole, velouté, béchamel, and allemande. The name
originated in the early 19th century, when French epicureanism reached such a fever pitch that sauce-making became a means
of assessing a woman's suitability for motherhood. By law, every mother had to undergo periodic evaluations of her sauce-
making skills, knowing that BREAKING or even minor lumps could result in loss of custody of her children. Penalties for
insufficient salt were somewhat milder.
nap To coat a piece of food with a medium-bodied sauce. The skillful production and application of such sauces distinguishes
the expert cook from the mere amateur: A truly accomplished chef is so skilled at napping that he could do it in his sleep.


31 March 2008

fillet A piece of meat or fish that lacks any discernible handle.
freezer An electrical appliance that uses extreme cold to guarantee that seasonal food is always available out of season, and also
that it is never as cheap or convenient as industrially made, unseasonal food.
gratuity; tip Money given by a restaurant customer to a waitperson as a reward for service. Strictly speaking, it is up to the customer
to determine the amount, leaving the waitperson with no recourse in the case of a gratuity deemed insufficient. Even if completely "stiffed,"
the waitperson is not permitted to, for example, follow the customer home after the meal, tie him to a chair in nothing but his underpants, and
torture him with bits of wasabi on a cotton swab.
On the other hand, the truly professional waitperson recognizes the importance of showing gratitude for exceptionally generous tips.
The industry rule of thumb is that anything over 60% of the meal price warrants, if not an actual date, then at least a peck on the cheek.


3 April 2008

greasy spoon A small, privately owned restaurant whose customers are charged low prices in exchange for asking no probing
questions about the food.
haggis A venerable, fortifying peasant dish made with offal and oatmeal, and universally acclaimed as "The funniest thing about Scotland®."
In fact, simply seeing the name in print is so cripplingly hilarious that completion of this entry will have to be postponed to a later time.
herb A leaf so small it cannot economically be eaten as a vegetable. After millennia of field research, at a cost of countless innocent
lives, humankind has finally arrived at a definitive inventory of the planet's leaves, ordering them into four basic categories: 1) small,
distinctively flavored leaves that can be used to flavor food; 2) large leaves with no discernible flavor; 3) large leaves with at least a little
discernible flavor; and 4) large or small leaves that, whether flavorful or not, can be harmful or even fatal if eaten. Only the first category
legitimately qualifies as herbs. The second is well-known as salad, and the last is of course arugula.


7 April 2008

coffee A beverage made with the roasted berries of plants of the genus Coffea. Now cultivated in many countries, coffee originally came from
Ethiopia and Sudan, which are countries somewhere to the left of India.
An ancient Ethiopian legend tells of a goatherd who happened on a member of his flock chewing on the fruit of an unfamiliar bush. As
the young man approached from behind, he was shocked to see the goat turn around, look him in the eye, and ask very politely for a croissant.
Mute with astonishment, the goatherd simply stared at the animal, which after a minute or two spoke up again, saying, "I'd settle for a
glazed doughnut."
Convinced the goat was possessed by Satan, the man rushed it to a priest for exorcism. The requisite rite was performed, and when nothing
more was heard from the goat, it was judged to be purged of diabolic influences. Unfortunately for the goatherd, the fee for an exorcism was
exactly one goat, and no sooner was he exulting over the Devil's disappearance than his valuable animal was taken for payment by the
priest, who immediately had it slaughtered for that night's feasting.
But all the guests at that dinner, including the priest himself, would end up plagued by mysterious troubles. For one thing, even at the end
of a long evening of eating, drinking, and carousing, not one of the party was the least bit tired. Instead, they sat around for several additional
hours, smoking cigarettes, talking rapidly, and nervously crossing and uncrossing their legs.
By the next evening they were all suffering from headaches and irritability, accompanied by a craving that could be satisfied only by
eating goat meat. And within a few days, everyone who had attended the priest's banquet found themselves unable to get through the day
without at least two helpings of goat, one in the morning and then one in midafternoon (say, around three-thirty).
Obviously, had the original goat been allowed to talk unmolested, it could have told them what the problem was. But that did not happen,
and the goatherd died a broken man.


10 April 2008

tostada A fried tortilla used to catch any ingredients that fall off of a plate of tacos.
trifle Formerly called a "consequential," this English dessert has experienced a precipitous drop in prestige over the last
fifty years. Trifle originated in an age when vessels for storing food were hard to come by, and consequently a homemaker's skill
was measured in part by how many dessert items she could fit into a single container. Thus a large bowl or jar might contain a combination
of, for example, sponge cake, custard, jam, whipped cream, fruit, and even grated chocolate. The invention of affordable, lightweight
Tupperware rendered such piggybacking unnecessary, and this sweet concoction rapidly faded into obscurity.
tripe The stomach lining of a pig, a sheep, or, most commonly, a cow. Tripe is enjoyed in many forms throughout the world, including
soups, stews, and braises. In America it is used mostly to frighten small children.


14 April 2008
My recent discovery of the excellent website Rules of Thumb, a compendium of all human knowledge in easily digestible form,
reminded me that The Devil's Food Dictionary also contains its share of handy guidelines. Instead of the usual group of entries, the
following are some rules of thumb on various culinary topics:
on EGG ROLLS: "The oil in an egg roll should constitute between 50 and 70 percent of its overall weight. Any less, and it is a spring roll."
on GRATUITIES: "Any tip that is over 60 percent of the total meal price warrants, if not an actual date, then at least a peck on the cheek."
on PROTEIN: "If you are a vegetarian or vegan, the following rule of thumb may be helpful when shopping: If, on close inspection, a food item is found
to contain large molecules composed of one or more chains of varying amounts of the same 22 amino acids, linked by peptide bonds, then that item
can safely be assumed to be a source of protein."
on RESTAURANTS THAT RANK SPICINESS WITH ONE TO FIVE STARS: "This system allows even the neophyte to easily assess the food's
authenticity, using the following rule of thumb: If the number of stars on offer ranges from one to five, the food is inauthentic."
on STAINS: "A good rule of thumb is to remedy one type of stain with a contrasting type: Many a chocolate smudge has been eradicated by
vigorous rubbing with puttanesca sauce, and vice versa."
on SUSHI QUALITY: "Those who are uncertain about the quality of a piece of sushi can try this simple test: Press it firmly against your forehead.
Correctly made sushi will not stick."
on TEMPURA QUALITY: "Ask the chef to cook a pair of chopsticks along with the other tempura items. If the chopsticks end up too oily or lumpy
to use comfortably, that is an indication of poor-quality tempura."


17 April 2008

chinois A very fine conical sieve. The name refers to its close resemblance to a very fine Chinese conical sieve.
game meat Meat from animals hunted and killed in the wild, preferably not from helicopters. Humans have hunted since time immemorial,
but doing so on a grand scale was always the prerogative of the nobility, a mark of elevated social status. Well within living memory, for
example, Britain's rural aristocracy still engaged in the traditional Coronation Day cow hunt. In these highly ritualized events, shotgun-wielding
patricians were preceded by ranks of "beaters" tasked with flushing the cows out of the tall grasses in which they concealed themselves. Once driven
into the open, the animals were pursued and ultimately treed by packs of baying hounds, and then shot. The take from these hunts could be
substantial: It was not unusual for the typical Victorian duke or marquis to bag a dozen cows in a single day, and many a hunting lodge is still
adorned with the classic Holstein rug, as well as the stuffed and mounted heads of the most memorable and spirited specimens.
geoduck A deep-burrowing clam common to the Pacific Northwest, with a protruding muscular siphon so freakishly large that I'm getting all
funny inside just writing about it.


21 April 2008

croissant A crescent-shaped network of golden-brown flakes held together, like most foods that are considered delicious, by a lacy
armature of butter. Indeed, the motivation behind the croissant's invention was the need for a tidy means of eating warm butter
with one's bare hands.
en papillote A method by which a food, usually fish, is enclosed in a parchment paper packet and baked briefly in an oven. This
approach was invented because some fish, especially sole, are easily distracted, and the presence of the opaque barrier
ensures that nothing going on elsewhere in the oven will take their mind off the business of being cooked.
foam A sauce that has been infused with tiny gas bubbles, so that it approximates the look of something that might ooze from the
blowhole of a tubercular sperm whale. This once wildly fashionable technique was invented by a Barcelona chef after a restaurant
critic wrote that one of his dishes "couldn't look less appetizing if it were covered in saliva." Inspired, the Spaniard set out to create
precisely that effect, and to the delight of bored chefs worldwide, he succeeded.


24 April 2008

à la carte An expression indicating that every single item on a menu is priced separately. It is for tallying à la carte prices that
waiters in better restaurants carry small, silver-plated calipers, to be used in counting peas.
béchamel A simple but versatile combination of butter, flour, and milk, and one of the four "mother sauces." Béchamel once
earned the admiration of millions for its ability to render nearly any savory food reassuring and delicious. Its popularity faded
once it was decided that food should be challenging and interesting instead.
beer A beverage made with germinated grain, water, hops, and sometimes other flavoring ingredients; fermentation is triggered
by the addition of yeast. The enjoyment of beer goes back to the dawn of civilization in Mesopotamia--not that modern beer drinkers
would recognize the beverage brewed by the people of the Fertile Crescent, which resembled what we now know as Dijon
mustard. The ancient Egyptians, too, were fond of beer, and the beers of the Nile region were famous for their potency: A batch served
at a going-away party for the Hebrews left that legendary people wandering helplessly through a smallish patch of desert for some forty years.


28 April 2008

canning The preservation of food by vacuum-sealing it in sterilized jars. Once indispensable to every farm household,
canning is an excellent way to guarantee a supply of delicious, wholesome fare for months after the harvest.
The risk of food poisoning makes hygiene a prime concern when canning. However, alarmist and overstated safety warnings
discourage many home cooks from taking up canning, particularly those unable to afford the plutonium pellets that power the
expensive sterilizing apparatus recommended by the FDA. The good news is that most anyone can do their own canning in
perfect confidence with no more equipment than a bunsen burner, a pair of gardening gloves, half a dozen knitting needles (not
aluminum!), approximately one-half gallon of chlorine bleach per pound of produce, and two or three spools of dental floss (unwaxed).
cardamom An aromatic seedpod whose similarity to a rugby ball led to its designation in 1967 as the sport's official mascot. The familiar
image of "Cardy" now adorns jerseys, gym bags, and rugby balls worldwide.
clamshell America's most popular inedible food decoration after Red Dye #2 and sprigs of curly parsley. Clamshells are much preferred
to mussel shells for their cheerier color and more interesting mouthfeel. They are excellent on paella, risotto, and pasta and are dishwasher-safe.


1 May 2008

pantry Called "the snack bar of last resort," a pantry is a type of closet in which emergency supplies of nonperishable food
are stored, for occasions on which there is not enough money to eat in a restaurant. Note: The cooking of some items in
pantries can be complex and challenging, and infrequent pantry visitors are urged to leave the job to the experts.
ramekin A baking dish suitable for an individual portion. As if the standard item were not diminutive enough, a pottery in France
produced the world's smallest ramekin in 1962. Created as a promotional stunt, the dish was used to cook a one-bean cassoulet topped
with a single bread crumb, a feat that the newspaper Le Monde hailed as "without any doubt one of the smallest achievements of our time."
restaurant chain A network of eating establishments whose reputation rests on never failing to disappoint.


5 May 2008

steak A cut of beef of variable thickness that occupies, along with pork chops, grits, and slices of citrus fruit garnish,
the FDA category "Foods that Just Lie There on Your Plate." At least twenty cuts of beef qualify as steak, any of which
can be rendered tasteless with the right amount of cooking.
steak, hanger A cut of beef, somewhat new to Americans, that bears little resemblance to what you have come to expect in a
steak. You wouldn't like it. (So can I have yours? I'll let you keep half the fries.)
steak, huge It is not unusual for a steakhouse to feature a piece of meat so large that anyone able to finish it within a certain
amount of time does not have to pay. Few who accept this challenge realize, however, that the offer usually comes
with strings attached. Failure to finish can result in penalties ranging from repossession of one's car to forms of
corporal punishment not in general use since the Spanish Inquisition (1478-1834).


8 May 2008

baking powder A leavening agent that, despite its homey familiarity, ranks as one of the heroes of the domestic kitchen. Simply
add this fine, white powder to certain other powders, liquids, and fats, shape the mixture in a certain way or pour it into a dish of
some kind, place it in an oven heated to a certain temperature, and voilà!
baking soda A leavening agent that, despite its homey familiarity, ranks as one of the heroes of the domestic kitchen. Simply
add this fine, white powder to certain other powders, liquids, and fats, shape the mixture in a certain way or pour it into a dish of
some kind, place it in an oven heated to a certain temperature, and voilà!
cappuccino A coffee drink made by adding foam from steamed milk, along with a little of the milk itself, to espresso.
The name refers to the beverage's popularity among the diminutive capuchin monkeys of Central and South America.


12 May 2008

carp For the sake of accuracy, a distinction should be made between the large sunfish known as crappie and the carp,
considered by most Americans to be "a crappy fish." Scorning carp as bottom feeders, North Americans generally prefer
fish that feed closer to the water's surface, presumably because it boasts a richer concentration of houseboat sewage, old
bleach bottles, and bloated drowning victims. The Chinese, by contrast, have long recognized carp for the delectable,
nutritious, and easily raised food that it is. They have managed to keep this a secret from Westerners by distracting them
with the invention of gunpowder and egg rolls.
squid A soft, ten-armed sea creature that is a fixture of the cuisines of East Asia and the Mediterranean. And at least
it is not octopus. Squid range from tiny, no more than bite size, to gigantic and completely fictional, such as in Jules Verne's
Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. Given a choice, bite size are preferable, as the fictional ones have no taste.
squid ink A dark liquid that can be used to flavor sauces and rice dishes. The squid themselves employ this ink to
frighten and confuse their prey. Indeed, marine biologists say nothing is more unnerving to a fish or crustacean than to
open the mailbox and find a threatening letter or collection notice in the squid's familiar black handwriting.


15 May 2008

pizza A type of baked pastry thought to have been brought to the West from China by the thirteenth-century Venetian traveler
Marco Polo. Unlike pasta, Polo's other Chinese import, pizza met with disdain, even outright hostility, among Italians, and if
not for a string of serendipitous historical twists too complicated to detail here, the dish would have faded into the
mists of history.
A typical American pizza is a bready disk topped with a layer of tomato sauce, a thick scattering of mozzarella cheese,
and often various items such as sausage, mushrooms, and bell peppers. A less typical pizza might feature a layer of baked
beans, half an inch of low-calorie mayonnaise, and four small candy canes. Thanks to globalization, aficionados now have ready
access to both types in nearly every country in the world.
Pizza lore is rich and colorful. For example, Neapolitan superstition advises a person eating pizza to be mindful of how he or she
holds the slice: The thin end of the wedge, it is believed, points unerringly at the person the eater will marry, or, if already married, at the
person the eater's eldest child will marry, or, if married and childless, at the man who has been blackmailing your uncle for the last two
years over that thing with his secretary. In Morocco, a polite eater will never, ever, let an anchovy touch a black olive; if this happens
inadvertently, he must apologize to all present and distribute token gifts.


19 May 2008

leechee see LEECHI
leechi see LEETCHEE
leetchee see LEETCHI
leetchi see LICHEE
lichee see LICHI
lichi see LITCHEE
litchee see LITCHI
litchi see LIZHI
lizhi see LYCHEE
lychee see LYTCHEE
lytchee see LYTCHI
lytchi A popular Chinese fruit known primarily in the
West for the wide variety of spellings of its name,
which include LEECHEE, LEECHI, LEETCHEE,
LEETCHI, LICHEE, LICHI, LITCHEE, LITCHI,
LIZHI, LYCHEE, LYTCHEE, and LYTCHI.


22 May 2008

Universal Hash-Croquette-Fritter-Doughnut Hole Continuum, The
The average diner is unlikely to find hash, croquettes, fritters, and doughnut holes on the same plate, and yet when subjected to a simple
analysis, these four items turn out to represent different points along the same culinary spectrum. At one end of the scale is hash,
which consists of a mixture of chopped-up ingredients, pan-fried. Add a moist binding agent, coat a lump of the mixture in breading, and pan-fry
it, and you produce a croquette. Start making a croquette and then discover that your chopped-up ingredients have nearly run out, but go ahead
and make it anyway, then get a distracting phone call just when you were supposed to apply breading so you forget to do that, and then
mistakenly pour two inches instead of four tablespoons of oil into the frying pan because you've been drinking heavily after receiving news of your
teenage daughter's unwanted pregnancy, and the result is a fritter. Finally, leave the chopped-up things out altogether, and, in a drunken stupor, lob
dollops of pure binding agent into the pot willy-nilly, splattering hot oil all over the kitchen, then reach for a paper towel to clean up the mess and
accidentally knock over a box of powdered sugar, and you have a doughnut hole. Nothing could be simpler.


26 May 2008

lunch The midday meal. Experts attribute the broad popularity of this repast to the fact that midday occurs in nearly all time zones.
luncheon A LUNCH consisting of a type of fare that is easily eaten by people with false teeth.
Future!, The A term referring to the period roughly 1990 to 2000 AD, during which the moon and Mars were colonized by humans, workers
commuted to their jobs by personal gyrocopter and rocket belt, mail was delivered at high speed through an elaborate network of pneumatic tubes
extending across the United States, and a woman was elected President.
Progress in food technology was a vital element of this revolutionary era: The decade saw the replacement of traditional food by
tiny pills, each containing as much synthesized nutrition as three three-course meals, as well as ultranutritious alimentary pastes, like those
consumed by astronauts, designed to be squeezed from tubes.
Finally liberated from the tyrannies of farming, shopping, cooking, dishwashing, chewing, smelling, and tasting, humans were able
to achieve their full potential through the use of vivid, challenging fantasy games played on the screens of sophisticated electronic "brains."


29 May 2008

catch-and-release A fishing method especially recommended for people who wish to lose weight. Research
has determined that catching and releasing fatty fish such as mackerel and salmon can result in greater weight loss than
catching and releasing lean fish such as cod. Inspired by the effectiveness of this technique, nutritionists are looking into the
potential benefits of catch-and-release hunting.
charcuterie A name applied to various techniques of preserving meat, most often pork. Brining, smoking, drying, salting, and
the making of confit all fall under this rubric. It is not popularly known that charcuterie was pioneered by the ancient Egyptians, for
use on the bodies of pharaohs and other deceased individuals of high social standing. The original intent was to provide a type
of coldcut for a ritual sandwich to be consumed ceremonially by priests. Creating the precise conditions of temperature, humidity, and
air circulation for curing the flesh required the building of very large, pyramidal stone structures, some of which still stand today.
Elaborating on this shape, the Egyptians went on to develop what came to be known as the Food Pyramid.


2 June 2008

egg faux young Egg foo young made with artificial foo.
egg white Egg "whites" are in fact transparent, turning opaque only when cooked. This means that in a raw state they are all but invisible,
a source of irritation and inconvenience to cooks since time immemorial. Credit goes to an anonymous twelfth-century Hungarian
court chef for conceiving the notion of beating an egg's albumen into a white froth, whose location and movements could then be
reliably monitored. Thanks to his ingenuity, the location of nearly all egg whites worldwide can now be determined with a great
deal of precision.
egg yolk The yellow portion of an egg; when fertilized, it develops into an embryo. In the West, only egg yolks in liquid form are
considered suitable for eating, either in their raw state or after being cooked. But a favorite Filipino food known as balut is a duck egg
with an embryo developed well past the liquid stage, eaten straight from the shell. The celebrated wit Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
characterized this strange item as "the most disgusting thing since gnocchi made with lint."


5 June 2008

ice cream First conceived as a medium for storing and preserving strawberries, nuts, mint chips, morsels of cookie
dough, marshmallows, and swirls, this frozen mixture of dairy products and sweet flavorings has recently become
popular for its own sake. The Author suspects it is only a fad.
wok The familiar Cantonese name for the all-purpose Chinese cooking pan (called guo in Mandarin Chinese).
Although cooks in China find the standard version well-suited to every cooking need, it was inevitable that the utensil would
undergo some sophistication once it reached American shores. Several specialty woks are now available in the United States,
including the pressure wok (which features a valved, gasketed lid and can produce perfect kung pao chicken in less than ninety
seconds), the chowder wok (invented by Chinese who settled in the Boston area), and the Bundt wok (which has a large
hole in the center and is primarily decorative). Early attempts at creating a springform wok were ultimately abandoned.


9 June 2008

fake food Imitation food made of materials such as wood or plastic. Producers of fake food have always exhibited great ingenuity
and artistry, sometimes reaching levels of sophistication that left manufacturers of real food struggling to catch up. At last, though,
advances in both technology and skill by the latter group make the two nearly impossible to tell apart, especially in the cookie
and frozen foods sections.
food coloring Concentrated synthetic substances used to lend unfoodlike colors to substances such as cake icing. These
tiny bottles of dye have a lengthy shelf life: Home cooks will be pleased to know that they will be usable even when planet Earth
is populated solely by cockroaches.
food writing A journalistic genre that focuses on eating and drinking. Categories of food writing include restaurant reviews,
cookbooks, food history, and whatever the hell it was that M. F. K. Fisher did.


12 June 2008

steeping A process whereby a tea or tisane is immersed in hot water, allowing the water to leach the aromatic substances
from the leaves and create a flavored beverage. Steeping is a universal technique, used everywhere but in American restaurants,
which prefer their own cutting-edge adaptation of the method. It involves setting an attractive sealed-foil tea packet next to a cup of hot
water, then waiting until the water has safely cooled before bringing it to your table. Or the Rapture, whichever comes first.
surimi A type of imitation crabmeat made by combining processed fish paste with coloring and flavoring agents. In a recent
survey, this inexpensive substitute gave the genuine article a run for its money in terms of flavor. Note: Most respondents to the
poll described themselves as "hydraulic trash compactors."
sushi, plastic Synthetic models of various menu items, displayed in the windows of Japanese restaurants to show what fare is on offer.
Plastic sushi can look uncannily realistic, much like the contents of a typical salad bar, but is considerably tastier and more nutritious.


16 June 2008

barley A sturdy grain so self-effacing and unpretentious that nearly no one eats it. Barley is often added to soups,
presumably because it floats, but it is perhaps most appealing when rendered unrecognizable in the form of beer and
whiskey. While the Author has never eaten barley, he would not criticize those who have. You have his word on that.
breakfast The morning meal, or, in the case of some heroin addicts and rock musicians, the afternoon or evening meal, provided
it is eaten shortly after waking. Breakfast frequently includes a caffeine drink, such as coffee or tea, or, in the case of some rock
musicians and obese people, Coke®. Apart from this beverage, the elements of breakfast can vary enormously, ranging from a single
croissant to, in the case of some obese people and loggers, platters of pancakes smothered in maple syrup, fried sausages,
fried potatoes, biscuits with gravy, and three fried eggs, to, in the case of some loggers recovering from heart bypass surgery,
a single pancake with artificial maple syrup, two turkey sausages or tofu "hot dogs," a biscuit with soy margarine, and an "omelet"
made with egg substitute.
Despite these differences, all humankind seems to agree that no matter what breakfast is, it is certainly not the last meal
eaten before going to bed at night. This rare instance of international unanimity is cited as our best hope for bringing all people
together under some form of one-world government.


19 June 2008

Sicilian cuisine A category of Italian foods identifiable by their unpronounced final syllables.
tablecloth Once de rigueur in every genteel household, the cloth-draped dining table is limited nowadays to restaurants and formal
dinners. An interesting vestige of traditional tableclothery survives in three-star establishments, in the form of small, ornate pairs of scissors
that appear next to the silverware. These ciseaux hygiéniques (now strictly decorative) harken back to a time when tablecloths were far
larger, and each guest was expected to snip off his own square of fabric to use as a napkin.
taste buds Tiny organs arrayed across the tongue that register flavors. This function is not essential to survival, and in situations such
as life under Communism it has been known to atrophy. To the blind, however, it is indispensable for purposes of orientation. For example,
the repeated transit of soy sauce, fresh ginger, sesame oil, and garlic over the taste buds is a reliable indication to the blind person that
he or she is in China.


23 June 2008

bologna The overindustrialized American stepchild of Italy's mortadella, bologna is a cooked sausage whose ingredients
are so finely ground and emulsified that they are impossible to identify. This makes bologna an excellent catch-all for otherwise
undesirable animal parts, including portions of the sausage makers themselves. The very name mortadella derives from mòrto,
Italian for "death," and refers to the fact that nearly anything can be incorporated into this delicacy so long as it is dead. Still,
no discerning palate would confuse the richer, more delicate flavor of the Italian product with that of its soulless New
World descendant, and naming the latter "bologna" represents a grievous insult to one of Italy's greatest food cities.
wild boar A bristly, tusked game animal in the pig family. A source of flavorful meat, the wild boar can be wily and fierce. Left
alone in a pen with one of its bloated and mentally retarded factory-farm cousins, a wild boar will most likely turn it into mortadella.


26 June 2008

produce A category of colorful edible items distinguished by their inability to rest in a precisely vertical position, even
when set on a perfectly flat surface.
prune A snack fruit also known as dried plum, since it is made by subjecting a plum to a process that removes its
moisture. The best plums are prized for their moistness.
puffy fried dough The deep-frying of dough originated in Europe in the Middle Ages, as an effort to avoid wasting
the copious amounts of oil needed to execute religious martyrs and enemies of the state. Customarily, spectators
at an execution were encouraged to bring leftover dough to the event. Once the charred victim had been extracted and
pulverized for relics, mobs of onlookers would elbow their way to the rim of the cauldron, eager for access to the bubbling oil,
into which they lowered lumps of dough tied to pieces of string. Once cooked, the golden-brown, pillowy breads were
lifted out and dusted with powdered sugar provided at the king's expense. Merriment pervaded these festive occasions,
especially when mischievous youths would dare one another to tip elderly townspeople into the red-hot cauldron.
The deliciousness of deep-fried, puffy dough could not remain a secret for long, of course, and it is believed that knights
traveling eastward to fight the Crusades carried the concept with them to the Holy Land, whence it spread rapidly in all
directions. Today there is barely a locale or cuisine without its own version of puffy, deep-fried dough. These include beignets
(New Orleans), lokma (Turkey), puri (India), youtiao (China), churros (Mexico and Spain), zeppole (Italy), funnel cakes
(Pennsylvania), frybread (Native America), beaver tails (Canada), and many, many more. John F. Kennedy, 35th president
of the United States, was, by his own admission, a Berliner.


30 June 2008

maraschino cherry A type of preserved fruit most commonly employed as a garnish on a sundae. In addition to their brilliant
coloring, maraschino cherries are known for their intense sweetness: In 1974, a Tibetan lama sued one producer for loss of his
livelihood, claiming that a single cherry had been so sweet that it made him forget all his previous incarnations.
rancidity